now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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