You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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