I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
