i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
