if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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