I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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