I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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