I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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