well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
