Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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