And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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