So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
