Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
