Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
