Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
