I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
