My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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