he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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