Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
