a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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