Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
