Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
