it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
