Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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