I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
