Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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