Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
