My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
