You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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