R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
