I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
zippers are such a cool invention
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
