i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
