my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
