This dress was meant to end up on your floor
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Randomize
