he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
