your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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