I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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