wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
