Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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