i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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