At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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