I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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