she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
