Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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