i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.