2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
honey bunches of taint.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night