I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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