Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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