i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
