brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He passed out mid-signature
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
