pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just high enough for therapy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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