My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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