Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
