don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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