my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
