using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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