I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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