The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
